who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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