OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
so much tequila, so little girl.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
