I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
