I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
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All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
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And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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