Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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