About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
