i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
