Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
