i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
