i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
