I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
