Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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