So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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