the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
