What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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