Your face is a jimmy john
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
