Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
