i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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