fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
