What a fucking waste of an outfit
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
