I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
