Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.