just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
