Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
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chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
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Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.