this just has baby written all over it
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
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Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know