question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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