then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
There's always time for handjobs
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
