so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
This show inspires me to have sex in space
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
