im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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