we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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