I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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