im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
