Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
