Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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