I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This house was built for laser tag.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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