Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
