Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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