We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
