The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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