i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
