The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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