I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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