I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
