quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?