Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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