tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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