We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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