Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
