Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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