Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
