My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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