Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
