Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
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I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
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Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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