So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
