Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
