the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
