Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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