conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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