Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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